In what can only be described as a fever dream of a spreadsheet fetishist, the minuscule Baltic nation of Lilliputia (population: 47,000, most of whom are related) has announced it will trial the world’s first fully algorithmic government. Prime Minister Algirdas ‘Data’ Spudnik declared from his bunker of server racks that ‘human error is no longer a feature of our democracy’. His cabinet?

A collection of GPUs optimised for cronyism. Citizens woke to find their tax codes replaced with blockchain tokens and their potholes repaired by drone swarms that double as surveillance devices. The opposition, a man named Jurgis who owns a prizewinning turnip, has been muted on Twitter.

Ministers are now called ‘Protocols’. Bills are ‘Patches’. And the national anthem has been replaced with a loop of dial-up internet sounds.

‘It’s efficient,’ said a local, as his fridge automatically ordered him more pickled herring. ‘I no longer have to pretend to care about politics. The algorithm does the caring for me.

’ Critics say this is a slippery slope to a digital dictator. Defenders say at least the trains will run on time. I say, pass the gin and let’s watch the chaos calibrate.

Next up: AI-driven judiciary. Sentence for jaywalking: your entire social credit score deleted. Welcome to the future, you glorious fools.